In this episode, learn ways to ask questions to invite genuine community.
When our kids were younger and we’d visit my parents, my dad would often pose a question early in the day. “At dinner tonight,” he’d say, “I’m going to ask you this. Be ready to share your answer!” Boy, what interesting dinner table conversation that created. And it formed memories and connections between my kids, my parents and us that would last.
Later, when we were hosting ourselves, we’d actually ask our kids to come up with one or two questions to ask our guests, in advance. This helped our kids get in the mindset of practicing intentional relationship building and engaging with our guests (not just tune out or disengage!).
Side note: kids can and should be involved in their family’s practice of biblical hospitality! Here are some thoughts on manners and how they can impact relationship.
Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash
Asking good questions can be one of the best ways to pursue genuine relationship, that glorifies God and helps us build healthy community. Asking good questions can help us really get to know someone, and foster authentic conversation that is good for us both! And we have an excellent role model: Jesus Himself was perhaps the best question-asker of all time. Consider just a few of the questions Jesus asked:
*Who do they say that I am? (Mark 8, Luke 9)
*Who do you say that I am? (Matthew 8, Luke 9)
*Why are you so afraid? (Mark 4)
*Why did you doubt? (Matthew 14)
*Do you not see or understand? (Mark 8)
*What does the scripture say? (Luke 10)
*Do you love me? (John 21)
*Why are you troubled? Why do doubts arise in your hearts? (Luke 24)
The questions Jesus asked sought the heart of what people believed, why they believed or acted as they did, and more. His questions sought to really know a person. They met someone where they were, but didn’t stop there.
Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.”
I want to be a woman of understanding, who draws out the purposes in others’ hearts. How about you?
As we seek to live the #invitinglife, questions are a powerful way we can intentionally connect heart-to-heart, mind-to-mind with others. Asking good questions is a way we can invite authentic, life-changing community, for the glory of God and the good of those He has called to be His!
Here are some principles that can help us ask good questions!
- Have a goal, but not an agenda.
- As Christians, we should view all relationships from a Kingdom perspective. (Listen to the episode, “Be Kingdom Minded” for more on this!) We engage with others so that we can point them toward Christ – whether it’s for the first time or in a growing relationship. But within that calling God has placed on all believers, we are also wise to have a submissive heart to let Him lead.
- Were you ever in a conversation where you could just feel the other person had an agenda? It’s frustrating and feels like a waste of time… and it makes you feel less valued. On the other hand, when someone seems to care and have a direction in a conversation, it feels like a worthy investment of time. On that note, let the conversation have its own life, and see where it goes. Scripture tells us to avoid foolish talk and silly controversies (see Ephesians 5:5, 2 Timothy 2:23 and Titus 3:9-11), so be sensitive to wrap up and move on if this happens. But asking questions that seek to connect with others and connect to Christ is a good habit, and has eternal value.
- As you’re talking, ask follow-up questions to create more opportunities to get to know a person’s needs, hopes, gifts and strengths! One of the most powerful follow-up questions we can ask is, “why?” because it can lead to deeper understanding.
- Be open and honest (but not self-centered).
- Have you had a chat with someone who could only think and talk about themselves? It might be that they didn’t pause to let you speak, but had story after story to tell that was just about them. No one wants to continue to interact with a self-centered person; it doesn’t encourage a genuine relationship. In a world where Christianity is often disrespected, being self-focused also gives a bad name to Christ-followers, painting us as inauthentic and preachy.
- Be curious (genuinely!).
- Lifestyle blogger Camille Styles says, “In order to be interesting, be interested.” While she may not write from a spiritual perspective, she gets it! When we ask good questions, we need to really listen to the answers (rather than using that time to think of what we’ll say next!).
- Use physical cues to show you’re genuinely listening. Make eye contact. Lean in. Repeat back something you’ve heard; it tells the other person you’re listening and helps you remember what they’ve said. Again, use their answers to ask new questions or make connections with people, resources, or experiences you share. One of the best questions you can ask is, “tell me more about that!”
- It’s really helpful to watch for cues when someone is speaking, too. Are their eyes wandering? Are their kids running off or are they checking their watch? Or are they picking up pace and talking with energy? You can get clues for whether the person is connecting and engaged with you, or when it might be time to graciously part and connect another time!
- Ask for stories, feelings, and thoughts. When you ask questions like this along with follow-up questions, again, it shows you genuinely care.
- Be brief and open-ended.
- Yes-or-no questions can create a dead end in a conversation, but going on and on can frustrate a person, too. Instead of asking questions that encourage a halt, try to ask in a way that invites more talking, more thinking, more sharing. Again, that “why” question can open the door to go deeper. Asking someone to tell a story about themselves, share an experience, or a “high” or “low” moment is a great way to get them talking. Is someone new to your church? “What brought you here?” A new connection in your college class? “What’s the thing you most dreaded about this class?” New mom connection at the ball field? “What’s your favorite part about mom life in this season?”
- Be ok with quiet.
- This can be one of the hardest parts of asking intentional questions, to foster genuine connection! Let the other person finish talking, first of all. Don’t let yourself interrupt (unless you really have to – and that’s another conversation, pun intended). 🙂 Let them finish speaking and pause. Take a breath. Leave room for them to add on, space for what they’ve said to sink in with you. If you’re in a group setting, even a moment of slightly uncomfortable silence can leave space for a quieter person to engage. In a one-on-one conversation, quiet time can give you both time to think about what’s been said and lean into more questions and answers, that lead to honest and open connection!
- PRAY
- This suggestion probably should go before, during and after any conversation where we hope to build genuine connections that might have eternal impact. Ask for wisdom on when, how, and more, when it comes to going deeper with someone. Ask Him to guide what you ask and what you say, for His glory and for the good of the person He’s loving through you!
See below for more resources connected to this episode.
Highlights:
Pray for those God will call you to welcome with your life! He calls you to it, and He will equip you.
Watch for the examples Jesus set in asking questions for deeper connection.
Pray always, and ask Him to lead your conversations – for the Kingdom!
Resources:
Here are some for studying the Bible, for setting your heart on truth and to help you grow in living the #invitinglife!
- Check out this post on 4 ways to practice intentional hospitality!
- Greg Koukl’s book Tactics offers some great resources for kingdom-minded conversation.
- Listen to Episode 9: Be Kingdom Minded for more on intentional relationship-building.
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Praying always for each of us as we love God and love people, for the Kingdom! ~ Angela
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