My friend Val has been an encouragement to me over almost two decades of friendship. Watching her trust God through hard seasons, humbly thank Him during times of obvious blessing, and lean into Him to set a beautiful example for her family and other women (like me!) has taught me much about life in Christ. In particular, Val has been a beautiful model for me of a woman who loves well, especially when it comes to her husband and sons. I asked her if she would share some thoughts with us about loving her husband well while waiting on God.
Having been raised in the church,
I knew at least in part the importance of marrying a man Who loved and obeyed God.
Because of that, all through my dating years, at the top of my “Ideal Husband” list was: “#1. Loves God.”
I married my husband at the tender age of 20, and we had our first child shortly before my 23rd birthday. Fast-forward about 7 years to the summer of 1999…
I was seven months pregnant with our third son and one day discovered that my husband had some significant questions about God. I honestly wasnʼt sure how to deal with it; it rocked my world. All of a sudden, this man that I needed to be my spiritual leader and the leader of our growing family wasnʼt sure about the very thing that was most important to me.
Whatʼs a wife to do when her “ideal husband” is no longer ideal?! My immediate selfish response was to manipulate by withholding the thing I knew he needed…sexual intimacy…quietly thinking to myself, “If heʼs not going to meet my needs, why should I meet his?” Little did I know of the destruction that the enemy would begin to have by planting this simple thought in my immature and selfish mind.
But God, in His sovereign love and protection, had us in a small church at the time, and I was blessed to have a close enough relationship with the pastorʼs wife that I felt comfortable sharing some of my frustrations and concerns with her. She patiently listened and prayed and offered wise advice, based on the firm foundation of faith in the God who redeems, renews and restores. She suggested that I commit for a time to fasting and prayer. So I did. I decided to give up sugar, and every time I had a craving for it, I would use that as an opportunity to pray about my marriage.
Nothing much happened…until I was 3 months in…
and then I noticed something. God was changing ME! He was using this time to show me some hidden things about myself…you know, those things that you think about everyone else, but they could NEVER be true of you. And rather than being focused on what was wrong with my husband and trying to “fix” him, I discovered that God had plans to use this situation to build some much needed character into my life.
The first truth He gave me came out of 1 Peter 3… “Wives…be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” Now, if youʼre a wife, you know that it is not a natural thing to willingly submit to your man…especially when you think….correction, when you KNOW heʼs wrong. I remember having conversations with God that went something like, “Father, how am I supposed to submit to this man who doesnʼt even know if you exist? Like, what does that LOOK like in real life?
Will he know how to discipline our kids the right way? Who will help me train them to know and follow You? And Lord, seriously, WITHOUT A WORD? How in the world is my man going to know you if I donʼt say a word? Surely you donʼt really mean that…” And so my conversations with God continued…while I began the work of ever-so-subtly trying to convince my husband that God existed and that this God wanted him to be the spiritual head of our family.
My chosen MO? Books and articles, left in strategic locations…and then emails and suggestions that he go on a weekend retreat with the guys from church. He may have read a few of the articles and he did go on a retreat, but he still wasnʼt convinced…and I was still frustrated…and quite honestly, losing patience.
My conversations with God turned into, “Father, what is taking so long?
Why isnʼt he believing? What are you waiting for? Arenʼt we wasting precious time here? Donʼt you see that I have these 3 boys who need their dad to train them how to be Men of God?” And then, as He so often does, God gently reminded me of that truth from 1 Peter 3… “Without words, Val. Remember that part? You need to stop striving and let Me work. Youʼve said you trust Me…but DO you? How about you just stay focused on the “purity and reverence” part and let Me do the rest.” As I finally started to LISTEN and allow God the freedom to work in me, things started to change in my husband. I was seeing a softening of his heart and spirit that I hadnʼt seen before. When I finally took God seriously about winning my husband over without words, and stopped my manipulative shenanigans, I started seeing God show up in ways I never anticipated. Somewhere along the course of my waiting, I read a poem that struck at the depths of my heart and encouraged me to seek Godʼs purpose while I waited. Itʼs simply titled…
“Wait.” Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried. Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied. I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate, And the Master so gently said, “Child, you must wait.”
“Wait? You say, wait,” my indignant reply. “ Lord I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and Iʼm claiming your Word.
“My future and all to which I can relate Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT? Iʼm needing a ‘yesʼ, a go-ahead sign, Or even a ‘noʼ to which I can resign.
“And Lord, you promised that if we believe We need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord, Iʼve been asking, and this is my cry: Iʼm weary of asking! I need a reply!
Then quietly, softly I learned of my fate As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.” So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut And grumbled to God, “So Iʼm waiting….for what?”
He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine, And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign. I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun. I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run. All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be. You would have what you want, but you wouldnʼt know ME.
“Youʼd not know the depth of my love for each saint; Youʼd not know the power that I give to the faint; Youʼd not learn to see through the clouds of despair; Youʼd not learn to trust just by knowing Iʼm there; Youʼd not know the joy of resting in me When darkness and silence were all you could see.
“Youʼd never experience the fullness of love As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove; Youʼd know that I give and I save…for a start, But youʼd not know the depth of the beat of my heart.
“ The glow of my comfort late into the night. The faith that I give when you walk without sight. The depth that beyond getting just what you asked Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.
“Youʼd never know, should your pain quickly flee, What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.” Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true, But, oh the loss, if I lost what Iʼm doing in you!
“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me. And though oft may my answers seem terribly late, My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT.”
So if you are one who finds yourself in that place of waiting, let me encourage you to wait this way…
Here’s how we can wait (well) on God:
- With prayerful patience. Practice the habit of taking your concerns and needs and frustrations to the One who can make a difference, first in you and then in your situation. (James 4h8; Psalm 34h8)
- With daily delight. Take time every day to delight yourself in God first, allowing Him to determine your desires, as you spend time reading and thinking on His love letter to you. (Psalm 37:4) “Until you establish a daily rhythm of enjoying God, you will never experience true freedom from sin. Until your longing to be fully known and fully loved is satisfied in the wealth of Godʼs affection for you, you will never stop seeking it elsewhere. Until you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are cared for, thought about, liked and wanted by your creator, you will never stop trying to satisfy those needs in others.” -Craig Denison
- With holy humility. Ask God to give you an attitude that seeks the good of others before your own good, like Jesus did for us when He left heaven to live on earth, taking the form of a servant, willingly subjecting himself to a brutal death…so we could be saved for eternity. (Philippians 2:5-8)
- With intriguing intentionality. Acknowledge that there is a purpose for being in the “waiting room” and seek to find out what God wants to do in you while youʼre waiting. (Psalm 27:13-24; Psalm 40:1-3; James 1:2-4)
- With rightful reverence. Husbands are fueled by respect from their wives. It is not in a womanʼs nature, though, to show respect. Itʼs much easier for her to show love. However, a man respected by his wife will naturally become more respectable. (Ephesians 5:33)
If youʼll commit to this, just wait…and youʼll see God show up!!
Val Montgomery is a wife, mom of three sons and two daughters by marriage, and a Jesus-girl who loves helping others create beautiful and welcoming lives and homes.
What is an area of waiting for you? Whether you’re waiting and hoping God will help you love your husband well (or help him love you well!), or waiting on God to bring the blessing of a husband, or waiting on Him to move in any area of your life, how can Val’s thoughts help you trust God to work – help you to believe in what He says He will do?
Inspiring (in our deepest desires for God to work) welcome,
Angela
Looking for more inspiration for your marriage? Bailey shared great insight on offering hospitality (say what?) to our husbands.
Or for walking with God? You might enjoy “Steadfast” – thoughts on walking with Him and on His faithfulness.
Get a list of ideas for welcoming your hubby - use it to enrich your marriage!
Grab this list of ideas to show hospitality for your husband and start using them to invest in your marriage today! I'll send you weekly-ish encouragement emails with recipes, ideas and inspiration for your life, your relationships and your home.
2 Comments